I look at myself and see so much change. It's not those eyes looking back anymore. It's not those flaws screaming at me. It's my experience. It's age that's coming on and changing in tiny unseen ways to others. I notice. I explore. I'm not criticizing or judging. I'm observing this face, this body.
It's an awe inspiring experience for myself as I've put extreme amounts of negative energy into my reflection, my skin, my pores. I'm simply existing now - way cool.
Some days I really want the microblading, the fake eyelashes, the really cool boots. I could definitely shave my legs more, pluck the brows better, wear the Better Than Sex mascara that I love. But why? Because I'm single again. Because it's a way to feel more beautiful from the outside inwards? Because it helps me exude confidence?
I'm finding attention gimmicks boring. This is my opinion only, for my body, my self, my reflection. After a nightmare attempt at Tinder dates in order to 'put myself out there' always painting on a face after a day of a makeup free face in sweaty non-designer yoga clothes, I question who am I trying to attract?
All day I preach 'be yourself unapologetically' yet think a guy I'm not even sure I'm into will only ask me on a second date if I'm wearing coated lashes and flashy lip gloss. I'd rather be wearing pajama pants and my laptop in bed alone any night of the week. I'm on a self-care high with zero social life or motivation to create one. I have a handful of fantastic friends, yet we're all so busy and changing in our own ways. I'm exploring solitude after a very intense 5 year on again/off again relationship. Friends are changing careers, traveling, making babies and committing to their partners. It's hard to relate anymore, so I choose turn inwards. I neglect the reflection because that's not who I am. This reflection is the thing I've been sent to live inside.
Yet the thing we live inside is quite important to care for in order to feel good. It's how we see each other, how we find who we are attracted to and how to express ourself through clothing and jewelry and face paint. It can be so fun, so beautiful and empowering.
Going back to who am I trying to attract? I think that's where I'm unsettled... I want something with someone... but what? With who? I have to start over [insert a wtf face and a very deep breath and maybe a few tears]. The older and more cynical we get towards the human race, how do we find a person we want to truly spend time with besides ourself, food in bed and Netflix?