I moved from Milwaukee to Santa Fe in order to break my workaholic, go-go-go and the addicted to being too busy kind of lifestyle.
Today I woke up, walked the dogs for an hour, fed them by creating a homemade mix of organic starch, bison and green vegetables covered with bone broth. I then made a cup of hot water with lemon and local raw honey for myself while making a hearty breakfast (very similar in style to the dogs dishes) for me.
In silence I enjoyed my food, my tea and no wifi, no cell phone, no company — besides Zeke and Anya, my dog friends and Sadie, the chicken who roosts in and outside of the home!
Following our feeding, I took a quick shower and cleaned up the house and my space a bit. I was getting giddy for coffee and to finish a photography project so I headed to the cafe for a bit of work time. By noon I was finished and my mind began to wander anxiously… what do I do?
With no official job just yet, I have a lot of free time. I came here to reset my mind and my body. On the drive home, I had to tell myself that over and over again rather than simply plugging in my computer and find something else to work on. There is always something else to work on… right?
I head home for walk number 2 with the doggies and then again, I find myself with time and space. I unroll my yoga mat that has slept stagnant in my trunk for way too long. I find a spot in the sun on the gorgeous wooden floor of my new pueblo home and lie there a while. I begin to move in a way my body is telling me. Not pushing, not sweating, not over doing it, but not relaxing either.
I am proud of myself. You’re here. You’re alone. You’re removed by circumstance of no internet connection and no cell coverage because you’re living on a mountain. Damn.
When in range, my phone is still connected to my Milwaukee calendar. Teach yoga, teach yoga, teach yoga. I love teaching, I really miss the students. What I don’t miss is my lack of controlling a schedule that allows for time of self-reflection and self-care. I have cooked more meals in the last two days for myself than I have in the last 6 months. That’s not a joke.
I sit today after an hour of a home yoga practice and wonder, where did my time go? I sit in silence and look at the beauty all around me. Seeing the snow capped mountains, the wonderment of the clouds churning hail, rain, snow and sunshine. The clay windowsills covered with collections from my housemate create curiosity and appreciation. I have so much to learn from Mother Nature, from other people.
Why do we not appreciate time and space the way we should? Why do we pat each other on the back for working over time and getting more money when (most of the time) that causes more stress and less connection with yourself and loved ones? Why do we fill up our free time with meaningless hookups or time sitting at a bar?
I ask these questions not to cause guilt - but to create an awareness of the life I want to live. I no longer wanted to be a workaholic. I saw no way out of drastically changing my life in Milwaukee besides moving away. That is the sad, but honest truth.
I wish I could be there with the ones I love, the ones who truly love me. I miss you already. Thank you for the cards, the emails, the texts, the hugs, the checking up on me. These words of love and kindness will never be forgotten and are tokens that I am doing something right on this path.
I sit in my twin bed, in my tiny new room to tell you I’m okay. I’m getting the hang of Santa Fe life and I’m keeping up with the practices I told myself I’ve been needing since returning to Milwaukee post Australia. I’m [not] busy becoming the woman I always knew I was, but she’s always been too afraid to be.
Too afraid to show her authentic self to the world in order to be shot down, discouraged or abandoned. I now know this is simply inevitable, and not an obstacle that should hold myself, or you, back.