These last few years have been dedicated to facing my fears head on and getting really curious about my belief system. A piece of my struggle this lifetime has come with a heavy dose of low self-esteem and comparing my life, my body, the way I look and live to other people. Limiting beliefs surrounding my relationship with this body have always been 'you are fat', 'you aren't good enough', 'no one can love you the way you want to be loved'. Simply typing this brings tears to my eyes, meaning I'm still full of fear and emotions tied to these thoughts. What I'm teaching myself is that it is a good thing emotion and fear is arising. It's a chance to face this negative self-talk head on. What an awesome opportunity to change this direction, this story I've created about my body & life.
I recently did some energy healing with a reiki master and myofascial release therapist (simultaneously) using compassionate touch as I was laying on a massage table in a sports bra and shorts. Having four hands pressing on my belly is a certain ring of hell for me. This space has always taken the brunt of my negative self-talk, fat shaming, avoiding looking at it altogether, daily pinch 'tests', and only feeling good about this space after days of restricting. On the table, I had to quickly change my story, not only in my head, but in my energy field in order to keep my shit together. I am too strong to continue to fall apart simply because someone has touched a piece of me I have yet to accept. I am in my process (you go girl).
So what does it look like to change your story? To recognize the fear and be able to shift perspective to resonate with a higher vibration rather than stay inside the fear, the egotistical mind / thought formed reality we have choose to live inside? I found my breath. I talked to myself like a sad, small child. 'You are okay, there are hands on your body. What feels good about this sensation? What are you trying to run from? The fear is: I'm not good enough, people will judge me because of this shape in my midsection, I will not find a loving partner, I'll never look as good as her, or her, or her...'
I had to go through the muck, the nasty thoughts that made me cry and feel ashamed. 'Name the fear to face it' I once heard. Once I was faced with those shitty thoughts I realized those may be fears and identifications I chose to believe in for decades, but that's not who I am anymore. Glimpses of those past beliefs come up every day. I love to compare, I naturally judge... I also naturally connect to my breath, tell myself to calm down and can resonate with compassion for myself quite quickly.
Strangers hands on my belly taught me that I must begin to create safety between my own hands and this space. My own thoughts connected to this space. Truly look at this space and understand what it is. My bestie calls our bodies a 'flesh prison'. That made me laugh, and feel incredibly stupid and ungrateful for this space-called-body at the same time. An absurd awakening I so desperately needed.
I'm done being afraid of a piece of myself that is incredibly strong, capable of so many magical things my brain can't comprehend. A space that is well-known to shame women and create competition and the so not feel-good-about-yourself-shell that we walk around in, sometimes our whole lives.
Changing my self-talk will be my therapy. I speak to Belly with love, I cradle it in my yoga practice, before I sleep, washing it more carefully in the shower. A tangible forgiveness for the years so neglected. I am so sorry, I will be better, I am so grateful for the health you have given me, I am learning what you are, I am learning who I am is more important than what I think I look like, what I think I am.