THOUGHTS : On Connections & Money


Connections have been weighing heavily on my mind. Mainly because of my lack of connectedness with where I am. It's no secret I flew across the Pacific running from a break up. To make the break up actually stick. It didn't work, but that's a story for another time!

I got a hard dose of reality this week when I realized how strict of a budget I was going to have to follow in order to get to the other countries I want to see this year. And then I was told I owe at least $3200 to the IRS. And then I was told my parents were no longer going to help me with my student loans. And then I realized I didn't budget a flight back to the U.S. in my original scheme... Bummer.

A few days lacked luster but I became thankful for my newfound financial independence and for the fact for once in my life I give a shit what's in my bank account. I don't want to return to the U.S. with any credit card debt on top of my student loan debt on top of the funds going towards my tax payment plan. I want to be financially responsible.

The application count has made it to 14 restaurants and to 9 local businesses seeking photography collaborations. It's been 1 week and a whole lot of "no's". So that's okay. I'll stick to my budget and all will be just fine. But is it financially responsible? Even with my Aussie budget there's more money coming out in American dollars with my student loan payments.

No way in Hell am I ready to go back. I get physically ill thinking of getting on a plane to America. And it's not pride. It's that I'm simply not ready to leave. Yet I have this yearning for human connections here that I'm just not getting that do make me want to leave. Even further, I'm totally isolating myself in order to not create sincere connections...

I'm doing this 8 week fitness program and have given up alcohol, sugar, gluten and I'm already vegetarian. It sounds extreme but it's actually been really easy given my circumstances. Except the no drinking. I had no idea how much I relied on alcohol to have a 'good time'.

Last night we had a dinner at my friend & neighbor's home with my Aussie parents as well. Two couples who have young children who happen to be next door neighbors. Talk quickly went to home owning and childcare and co-op bulk orders while the Pandora station plays Miguel and Kanye and my shoulders can't help but shake, my brain wants to chug the bottle of red and run into town to party. I contain my state of dear-god-I-gave-up-alcohol panic and just sat there thinking about my future and would it look like either of these couples'? I would want that. I envy that. Rockstar teamwork is what I'm living amongst. Co-parenting, mindful upbringing, limited iPad using little boys who dress up as princesses with a ZERO chance of being shamed. I love it.

Amongst all the admiring and daydreaming I'm still presently missing something. A big something. A connection, a motivator, a passion or feeling of love. Of safety.

We got down into those topics today at a satsang with Isaac Shapiro. 'We are all connected, 'we' and 'I' do not exist, however, we all still need connection to feel safe" as he reaches over and kisses the hand of his partner. Where's my partner? Can I please have a kiss?! Then strangers hold each other's hands when one is telling a story of pain or not feeling safe. I wouldn't say I felt 100% safe in that circle but it is the most connected I've felt to humans since being in Byron. It felt like when all my Ashtangi buddies would huddle up and vege out listening to PJ's stories (I miss you guys). I might not have liked everyone in those circles but I did feel one-ness. I did feel present and full of joy for no logical reason.

When discussing my financial trouble with myself, I don't feel present or full of joy, but I do feel like a grown up trying to work shit out and trying to make what my intuition is telling me is right... work (ie : don't give up, keep traveling).

I can tell you what is working is me taking solace. Taking the time for 1 hour workouts 6 times a week. Cooking clean food and eating it mindfully (the best I can). Reading and reading and reading. Being quick to shut up my rolling thoughts or FOMO or 'grass is greener' scenarios. Rolling out my spine on physio therapy balls followed by mediation before bed. Interpreting my dreams into healthy guides.

But what's really going to be good... and I know it's coming sooner than later... The big loneliness. No alcohol to hide the sadness, no warm body to hang on to. Just me. I've got this laptop to express myself. I've got my yoga mat to ground me. I've got the ocean and too many beaches to walk along. Oh, I'm still drinking coffee. My #1 vice and the only thing I feel zero guilt purchasing. Cheers to fucking coffee!!!

You'll find me soaking up February in Byron. Going to feel the oneness vibrating in my cells, just like Isaac said. Smile to the unknown but just hope to get hired to sustain my life here longer.

***

Inspired to write from the lack of energy I had to looking out my window seeing a majestic rainbow through the storm.

Thank you, I get it now.

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© 2019 by Kaleigh Atkinson