MY

DISORDERED

EATING

'My Disordered Eating' is a collaborative film that will raise awareness on the devastating effects surrounding those living with eating disorders. The film's aesthetic will consist of cinema verite footage, formal interviews and footage shot by the participants. The collected imagery will consist of video diaries from cell phones, computer recording devises and social media accounts such as Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat feeds providing an intimate look into the lives of those learning to live a life in recovery. 

 

We're tortured souls that feel we have no voice because if we did we'd do nothing but scream. Scream for freedom, scream for help, scream for a relationship with the body that we live inside. This body that we put down every other second but we're forced to coexist within.

 

They tell you to cherish this body, "Treat your body like a temple!" "It's the only one you've got!" "Love the skin you're in!" That's all well and good. And trust me, I can fake it til I make you believe I've made it. I'm the best at keeping secrets. You'll never know the amount of vomit I've violently forced down your toilet. You'll never see the amount of calorie counting apps I keep hidden on my phone. You'll never know with every bite I'm cursing my plate of food, cursing you for giving me this piece of shit meal, cursing my tongue because the food actually tastes good, cursing this conversation we're having because I'm far removed from the topic. I'm too busy thinking of how I'm going to work off this meal at the gym, how I'll have to starve tomorrow (that's always easier). Then I smile a genuine smile. You'll think it's a smile at you, from something nice you've said to me about my eyes, about my dress. That's not why I'm smiling. I'm happy because tomorrow is a new day.

 

Don't get it twisted - this is not some bullshit affirmation. The 'new day' mentality when ruminating on a toxic eating disordered train of thought is a brand spanking new opportunity for self-destruction. What people don't relate to is the fact that feeling horrible is the only way we know how to feel. We like this. We are comfortable here. You cannot help us. You can force us into therapy, shove a self-help book into our laps, tell a fairytale ending story about a friend's best friend's boyfriend's cousin who came out of anorexia alive, kicking, gorgeous and oh so happy. I don't care. I'm not listening. I'm focusing on how to stay in this disease, how to 'feed' it as long as I can. You don't understand that we want to die. It'd be easier if the universe would just let it happen naturally so we don't have to keep up the endless wheel of suffering. We wish for fatal car accidents the way you daydream of winning the lottery.

 

We don't want to hurt you. We truly love you. All the while we don't know what love means. We don't want to love ourselves. That seems like an impossible task that's not worth indulging in. Your tears trigger something in our compassionate self, but we've never met that part of us before. You're wasting your energy trying to help.

 

You've just been formally introduced to filmmaker, Kaleigh Atkinson. This story is a piece of her life. Kaleigh's journey with various eating disorders, depression and a lack of self-worth. She's creating this documentary film and stitching stories of ED warriors together in order to raise awareness with a vengeance. The participants will collectively paint a picture of truth in order for the public to no longer misunderstand or stereotype existing ideas surrounding those who live with eating disorders. Follow our stories of hope, compassion and brutal lessons in self-love while we fight for our lives, fight for recovery.

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© 2019 by Kaleigh Atkinson